let it be

Living in an all female dorm is an experience, to say the least. It's a lot of singing at one in the morning, loud noises coming from the bathroom and screaming at a higher pitch than humanly decent because so-and-so and what's-her-face just got together after three, incredibly long weeks of awkward dates and non-committal making out. Not all the activities that happen within these white brick walls are ones I'd call my favorite, there is something to be said about the community of girls I live with and I've come to have a special fondness for my current living arrangement. This appreciation grew even more with the coming of my dear, fantastic roommate, who I can honestly say is a complete joy to have around and to share a living space with.

Still, sometimes I miss silence.

At home, I was usually the last to go to bed due to the other two members of the household's inability to even make it to the tonight show (which, now, I wouldn't exactly blame them for not wanting to stay up for it). The house would get quiet and the darkness of the night would leave a blanket of stillness over everything. With all the happenings of the day melting away with the passing hours, I had time of quiet to sit, think and be. It was nice and I took it for granted.
That quiet time doesn't exist anymore. Even with living on my own last semester, noise was everywhere and I quickly let silence become a low priority. Stress was an issue, but finding a place of peace in all the chaos just wasn't going to happen.

Here I am, at the beginning of a new semester. My situation hasn't become any more enlightened on how to achieve peace in the craziness of college, but I find myself longing for it more and more. I turn the radio off in the car. I hide my headphones and put my computer on mute. I find myself sitting quietly on my bed every spare moment and letting time slip away without a word or sound. Sometimes I check out of the situations I'm in and sit lost in thought. I'd like to say that I'm apologetic for the occasional zoning out or the time I've spent sitting around when I could be out "enjoying myself" on campus, but I'm not. In fact, I love it. Maybe you should try silence sometime too.


        

tonight's thought

i really like having green eyes.
that's all.

don't rain on my parade (please)

you aren't allowed to laugh, but i happen to love this song and what it has become for me at this very moment. Yes, the glee version.

I'm going through what seems to be the longest rough patch in my life in quite some time. The uncertainty is overwhelming me and when things start to turn a corner, another door shuts in my face, closing off yet another opportunity. Some of this has been by choice; I brought it on myself with the things that I chose for my life. Yet, no matter what my intervention has been through most of this, it seems as if I have absolutely no control over it anything. I've become a passive observer in my own life and it is frustrating. Maybe it is the universe telling me to cool off on my controlling nature. Too bad I don't really believe in the notion of fate, or else that would seem like a probable answer to this dilemma.

Despite my lack of power in areas of my life, I know there is something I can do. I can't just sit back and watch my life pass me by, growing apathetic about my ever-present trouble. I'll keep my chin up. I won't let anyone make me feel inferior, unconfident or unworthy. After all, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent, they simply can't. This means releasing all the worry bundled up inside me in twisted, excellently-tied knots and letting go, even if letting go is the least appealing idea right now.

As a finishing thought, here is my favorite line from the song, the one that runs through my head as I push on towards a better tomorrow:

"don't tell me not to fly, i've simply got to. if someone takes the spill, it's me and not you."

worried shoes

Today I wore a pair of yellow shoes that bear a strange significance in my life. They are the shoes that signify taking a big leap of faith. They've had their picture taken to stick inside a guidebook of paris and taken walks to unexpected places. Before drifting off to sleep last night, I decided that this would be a good day for these shoes to reappear.

I'm at this funny place of uncertainty. Nothing in my life is at a settled place and I'm left with bits and pieces of what is to be wondering what to do next. Without a clue what the future holds for school, work, relationships, health and life, in general, I strapped on the yellow shoes to combat this ever-growing fear of uncertainty.

let's hope their magic hasn't worn off yet.